I Feel It In My Fingers, I Feel It In My Toes ...

Over the past couple of years, since I began transition, I have finally gained something that had been elusive for most of my life: self-love. I now know, for the first time, what it means to truly love myself: in body and spirit as well as mind. I have also experienced a huge growth in confidence in all areas of my life.

When asked about whether or not I want to be in a relationship, I usually find that I do not have much to say. I know fairly well what it is like to rush into them only to regret it later, or to obsess about the "one that got away." Years of feeling not just bad, but hollow, about myself led to me striving to make others love me. All to no avail of course. Now, I feel my life is whole and complete, although of course not perfect (whose is?). For the most part, with relationships, I feel that I can take them or leave them. I am certainly not desperate for one.

That said, I do have moments (like right now) where I long to meet the right guy. Perhaps, one day it will happen: a nice, affectionate, smart, compassionate and exciting guy will come along. I am a somewhat old-fashioned, nostalgic, yet also progressive kind of gal who is looking for someone who likes candle light dinners with a little light jazz or soul music in the background, cooking a meal together, cuddling while watching old movies or old tv series, walking in the park or in the country, window shopping, gardening, and, yes, dancing.

The longing is quite deep right now, but with all that is going well, I can wait.

However, the light is always on.

Mama Roux!

If there weren't, between Lunar New Year, Family Day and Valentines Day, enough celebrations going on in this midwinter mini-holiday season, today is Mardi Gras. I have no direct connection to New Orleans itself, but here are some sights and sounds anyhow:

Families ... Given, Chosen and Otherwise

Most of Canada has a Monday in February as a statutory holiday. With the exception of Manitoba and Prince Edward Island, where the holiday is commemorated as either Louis Riel Day or Islander Day, respectively, the rest (British Columbia, Ontario and Saskatchewan) commemorate it as Family Day. BC's is, uniquely, on the second, as opposed to the third, Monday of the month.

Hence, today is BC's first Family Day with many family-oriented activities happening around Greater Vancouver and the province.

It also seems like a time to honour families of all kinds, nuclear, extended, blended, same-sex parents, biological as well as chosen. I am of course grateful to my original family for providing for me as I grew up and doing the best all of its members could to raise me with what they knew at the time. But, I want to also acknowledge how much gratitude and love that I have for my chosen family of friends, acquaintances, colleagues and others among whom I have felt deeply loved and with whom I feel and increasingly deeper connection.

Thanks so much!

Love, Vanessa

The Real New Year Begins!

I have long believed that January 1 signaled not the beginning of a new year so much as the beginning of the last chapter of the old. Listing and starting on resolutions, paying off holiday bills, getting back to a less glutinous eating routine, mid-winter cleaning around the house. Then, somewhere between late January and late February, comes the Lunar New Year. Celebrated variously as Nian (Chinese New Year), Seollal (Korean), Tet (Vietnamese), Tsagaan Sar (Mongolian) and Losar (Tibetan), the Lunar New Year actually feels like a new year.

Today is the first day of the new year in the lunar calendar and, yes, just having finished a full week back at work, the first full week of real life experience is the best definition of a new beginning that I can come up with right now.

Already, it feels like this year will be very focused, purposeful and energetic.

Happy New Year, for real!

Just Settling In

Just a short update ... my first week back at work and living 24/7 (real life experience) is going swimmingly. The acceptance I have felt in workplace and out in public fully has by far exceeded even my expectations, and I had great expectations to begin with (although not without some trepidation).

And what makes it all worthwhile, the perfect harmony I feel within and without me. I am beginning to feel interconnection in a fresh, new and vibrant way.

The Name Game ...

And today, it is official ... my name change certificate arrived in the mail. I am now legally Vanessa!