Autumn is actually my favourite time of the year. Always has been. The seasons change fast. But as it gets colder, darker and (on the northwest coast) wetter, I aim to get cozier. I cook more, read more, write more and nest. This has become even more true over the past couple of years.
This year, though, despite so much to look forward (eg. gender confirmation surgery next year), things seem so much darker. Last year at this time, I was reeling from the deaths of four friends and the experience had pretty much burned me out. I was look to not only nest, but burrow away the way a squirrel does in fall, horde lots of comfort food and hibernate for the winter, away from the world. I fantasized about having a special person with me (in reality, this would have surely stifled them). I was trying to hide from mortality and the harshness of the world. In reality, seasonal affective disorder and my underlying generalized depression had kicked in. Over the winter, I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. I took the holidays off on vacation and, with the flu, spent three days of it in bed. January and February, as usual were a tough slog, but by spring, I felt much better and began to turn outward again.
But 2014 brought more deaths of friends. The world also looked (continues to look) grimmer. Despite some truly wonderful family and friends moments, by September I was emotionally tired. Work had its own stresses. I spent my birthday weekend in bed with food poisoning and the purging that followed left me physically and emotionally drained.
So, overwhelmed and tired, I have been on staycation for nearly two weeks. I have slept a lot, written a little, and socialized some and once again, after going back to a single dose over the summer, re-doubled my anti-depressants. I have also been taking a hard look at the various goals that I have had over the past couple of years, re-examining how the realistic some of them are. I launched a second blog several months which as of yet has no content; I will likely shut it down. Sad, in a way, as I saw it as an outlet for my views on my profession which I dedicate most of my waking hours to. I have shelved one book project and will likely concentrate on one. Of course, I ended my years long radio show nearly a year ago. It remains to be seen whether or not I have scaled back too much, but for now, these seem like the right decisions. Hopefully, nesting and self-care are not dovetailing into a much deeper downturn.
I continue to garden though, and hope to do more, save for the few months of recovery I will be in next year. May I come out of this renewed and reinvigorated for the new year ahead.
This year, though, despite so much to look forward (eg. gender confirmation surgery next year), things seem so much darker. Last year at this time, I was reeling from the deaths of four friends and the experience had pretty much burned me out. I was look to not only nest, but burrow away the way a squirrel does in fall, horde lots of comfort food and hibernate for the winter, away from the world. I fantasized about having a special person with me (in reality, this would have surely stifled them). I was trying to hide from mortality and the harshness of the world. In reality, seasonal affective disorder and my underlying generalized depression had kicked in. Over the winter, I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. I took the holidays off on vacation and, with the flu, spent three days of it in bed. January and February, as usual were a tough slog, but by spring, I felt much better and began to turn outward again.
But 2014 brought more deaths of friends. The world also looked (continues to look) grimmer. Despite some truly wonderful family and friends moments, by September I was emotionally tired. Work had its own stresses. I spent my birthday weekend in bed with food poisoning and the purging that followed left me physically and emotionally drained.
So, overwhelmed and tired, I have been on staycation for nearly two weeks. I have slept a lot, written a little, and socialized some and once again, after going back to a single dose over the summer, re-doubled my anti-depressants. I have also been taking a hard look at the various goals that I have had over the past couple of years, re-examining how the realistic some of them are. I launched a second blog several months which as of yet has no content; I will likely shut it down. Sad, in a way, as I saw it as an outlet for my views on my profession which I dedicate most of my waking hours to. I have shelved one book project and will likely concentrate on one. Of course, I ended my years long radio show nearly a year ago. It remains to be seen whether or not I have scaled back too much, but for now, these seem like the right decisions. Hopefully, nesting and self-care are not dovetailing into a much deeper downturn.
I continue to garden though, and hope to do more, save for the few months of recovery I will be in next year. May I come out of this renewed and reinvigorated for the new year ahead.
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