Wednesday, 25 May 2011

In Flux

Things have been in flux for a few years now, and seem to be getting more so every day. Old friends move on, new friends move in, relationships change shape, old colleagues retire, new ones are hired. Old, favourite neighbourhood haunts close out, or are torn down, others, usually less personable go up in their place.

Friends marry, become parents, married friends separate or divorce. Others change careers or go back to school. Fellow community gardeners move away, even out of the country. I've hosted a local radio program (under my male name up until now) for nearly five years, and I am grateful for the opportunity to have done so; but, at any point, a change in management, a change in managerial ideology, and the show may be one of many to become permanently part of the station's history. I do my shows often like I learned to breathe in the years after my mother's death, as if each breath might be my last. Fortunately, I still breathe, and live, to this day.

Of course, I too, am in flux, my body morphing into a softer, more feminine shape. Some react positively to my changing physical reality, others coldly, still others oscillate daily in their reactions.

In all of this flux, I need to ground myself in meditation practice again. To experience flux is one thing; to be in flux requires real ground.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Not by the Hair of My Chinny Chin Chin

Started electrolysis work on my lower lip and chin today. It went well. On the way home from the appointment, this evening, I saw lots of guys heading home after the hockey game; many were quite rowdy. Inevitably, my mind wandered over to the possibility of being clocked, singled out and ... worse. Self-defense has been on my mind a great deal lately, as I go out more often. Discussion in the online trans community about self-defense has been increasing. I've begun taking martial arts again. It does a great deal for self-confidence.

We can't let the phobes win by not going out. Confidence goes a long way against fear.

Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf? Not me. Not any more.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Round 2!!!

Today my electrologist and I fought a formidable adversary ... in the Battle of the Stubborn Upper Lip Hair. And, by golly, we won!

Next Friday ... we meet on the field of Chin Hair!

Thursday, 12 May 2011

4 Months and Counting ...

As of today, I have been on HRT (specifically the androgen blocker Spironolactone in tablet form and estrogen in the form of Estradot skin patches) for four months; I got my first prescription on January 10 and took my first doses two evenings later. The side effects haven't been a severe as I though they would be, but the benefits have made each day a little easier. :)

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Ugly Duckling

I long felt this way ... ugly, clumsy, awkward, deeply inadequate. I tried to forget my body existed, escaping into my mind instead. Years went by without me ever looking into the mirror. Something about me never worked. So I took refuge in the intellect. Although, I learned a lot of interesting things on a cerebral level, my body awareness, and my body, stagnated.

I began intensive therapy, ostensibly around loss and grief, in my mid-twenties. I also started Buddhist meditation and tai chi. I did some personal growth work. Being under this really powerful magnifying glass burned through much of my armor, gradually I came out in various ways. My confidence increased with each step. And then a secret was revealed to me from within. The more I was grounded inside, the more feminine I felt. This was very empowering. I tried to fit into male roles, but none fit. I know this now.

I look forward to finally blossoming the way I always wanted. I can hardly wait to walk through this world completely a woman, beautiful because I am myself. Finally.

Monday, 9 May 2011


Day off today! The weather was awesome! Just had to post this:

Sunday, 8 May 2011

"Does My Mother Know About Me, Does She Know Just What I Am?"

My mother died over 16 years ago, long before I came out to myself, never mind to anyone else. I don't know if she ever knew about me, but every now and then, I remember things like watching her bake a Duncan Hines cake or an apple cobbler, or stir up maple walnut fudge on the stove, the radio in the next room tuned to some Saturday night oldies program or a Motown record on the stereo. Of course, now all of those things are fused in mind. I also remember the occasional "Are you sure you don't want to be a girl?" I would usually say, defensively, "Yes!" I know now that if I had come out then, I would have been in big trouble; but I wasn't even aware enough to know who I was ... on any level. At 13, I had the reputation of being a "brain," but emotionally I was probably about 9 or 10. For reasons I'll explain in later posts, I would be stunted throughout much of my teens and early twenties.

But maybe she did know. Or perhaps, somewhere out there, she knows now.

Mom ... if you do know, rest easy ... I'm doing okay, taking one day at time.

Love, Your Daughter

Friday, 6 May 2011

Take My Hair ... Please!

Well, the first session is done; some of my facial hairs have painfully become history. The upper lip and around the smile crease are among the most sensitive areas and I had those done today. Time for some tea and a warm, epsom salt compress. Then, bed. Sleep well earned. Good night.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Hair Today ... Gone Tomorrow

Ok, maybe wishful thinking on my part ... but, it'll be a start; my first facial electrolysis session will be tomorrow evening after work. Yes, painful, I know, but I had a free sample session a few days ago and I think, I know, I can handle it. And for a future without a permanent 6 o'clock shadow (sans makeup), it'll be worth it. One more sleep.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Day 1?

Hi ... guess I should introduce myself ... name's Vanessa, although I wasn't given that name at birth; it does have a ring to it. I'm nearly four months into transition meaning I've been on HRT for that long, but I've known (or better yet, felt) that I was mis-matched internally for sometime. I just had no real, clear idea why. The truth's been under there for years, decades. I first wore make-up at four. Was that was day one? I felt like a girl as a child and into adolescence. I had a drag performing alter-ego for years, but was always depressed when it came time to change back into my "real" clothes. But, I guess it took me a while to face the truth; when I did a couple of years ago, it was overwhelming. Maybe that was day one. I was driven to see a gender specialist last fall; perhaps that was day one. I started HRT on January 12; another candidate for day one.

Here in my home country, the elections are over, but the battle for us progressives has only just started. I've rediscovered my desire to write; I've uncovered my desire to dance, to garden, to laugh. All first days.

I've called this post Day 1 because ... well ... you have to start somewhere.